then spake jesus again unto them, saying, i am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. john 8:12
this verse had me in tears today. instantly. unstoppable tears. overwhelming peace in my heart.
this year, we are doing the 50 names of Jesus found in the bible for our daily advent. and today we finally got caught up on our advent calendar, we may or may not have been a good week or so behind… oops! but as the kids ate breakfast today, we slowly read and talked about each ornament, each scripture and name of jesus, before the kids glued the ornament onto our make shift tree- its a broken down moving box and sharpie friends. and i love it. it’s perfect to me.
anyways, as we read the verse that went along with the name light of the world, it quickly brought me to tears and a flood of peace calmed my heart. it was the answer i have been praying for. he that follows me will not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.
light.
light of life.
a verse i have heard many times through the years. its not new. but today it was the answer i needed. the words of peace my soul needed.
my heart has felt heavy lately. normally i’m a very glass half full, optimist, sunshine outlook of the world around me! there is always good, always joy to be found. but lately, it seems that my heart has felt heavy. jeremy even asked me a few days ago what was going on, he noticed that i didn’t seem myself. i couldn’t quite put it into words, to explain, to truly convey the heaviness on my heart.
why does my heart feel heavy?? i read the news. that’s all. there’s so much pain and suffering and selfishness and hurt and craziness all around us. a 4th grader committed suicide in the city where i grocery shop. 11 year olds are being cyber stalked and subjected to horrific things. commercialism being pushed at every chance. homelessness and fighting and death and anger and heartache at every turn, every news article, every news outlet. everything i have read or watched is laced with this underlying pain and as i’ve sat back, looked at my incredible, sweet, innocent, wonderful albeit sometimes crazy children; my heart sinks. my heart hurts. it aches. how am i to raise them in a world that is so broken? so awful? so backwards?
in what world does a 4th grader commit suicide? how do they even know about it at that age?! i look at my daughter madilyn, she’s 11. we homeschool but if we were to go to public school, she would be 6th grade. he was 4th. that is 2 grades younger than my innocent curly haired brown eyed daughter. as i tucked her into bed, listening to her tell me about the latest dork diaries book she was reading and then shows me her sketches in her “fashion book” of the latest dresses she designed for the boutique she plans on opening one day, my breath stopped for a moment. a mother out there, was mourning her child, younger than this, wondering why? what struggles were too much for this child? was it something at school? on the bus? in the neighborhood? how does a mother make peace with this heartache? this child was a baby, why do they have to grow up so fast these days??
i’ve read a few articles lately about children and social media and sexual abuse/predators. i read an article about how we have killed the idea of free play for our children and we are doing a disservice to our kids, to this generation. if they aren’t given the chance to run free, test their limits and feel fear from climbing too high and then seeing how they are able to rescue themselves, they can solve it, they are strong when facing fear or anxiety, then how will they know how to deal with these emotions as they grow up and get in harder, more serious situations? why do children need phones and social media and the entire world at their fingers? what happened to the days of playing at the neighborhood park and being home by the time the lights turned on? what happened to spending the day at the city pool with your friends and then riding your bike home once it closed? what happened to the creative and imaginative games we played as children?? my favorite was tales of the crystal. does anyone else remember this?? i still remember running around our neighborhood, deep in an adventure of imaginative fairies and sorcerers and crystals and we spent hours creating a world within our imaginations. and it was different every game! i didn’t know there were unimaginably vile men, near or far, sometimes even in another country who nowadays, are popping into direct messages. hacking video cameras. sending emails.
i could keep going but i won’t. i don’t want to spread the heaviness. it has weighed on me. my heart has hurt. how do i help? how do i help carry the heaviness and pain of the people i love? how can i talk about the hard stuff? how do i share what’s on my heart with others? how do i raise my precious babies in this broken world??
today as i read this verse out loud to the kids, the emotions rushed over me, the tears came, peace soothed my hurting heart, and it spoke to me. it was so clear to me.
i don’t.
i can’t.
but jesus can. he is the light. he is the light of life.
yes this world is dark. yes i feel as though i’m raising my kids in a broken world. our kids are facing craziness we never imagined as kids. the world is spinning faster and faster and we are facing challenges that we never dreamed we’d be facing.
but jesus is good. oh he is so good friends. he is light. he is life. he is there and will take that heaviness on my heart, on your heart, on anyone’s heart. he will carry it if we but give it to him, accept his light, go to him. accept his gift of love, life, and his atoning sacrifice for each of us. he is how we can look up, move forward with faith, see the good around us. there is always good to be seen. and if there isn’t, then be the good! be the good, be the sunshine in this dark world. feel his love and grow in his light of life and let it flow out of you, share it with everyone around you. be his light of life in the darkness.
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