owning my truth. this is a thought that has rolled around in my head for awhile. what is my truth? what does that mean? what would owning my truth do??
my truth, its a story. its a process. its been built piece by piece, experience by experience.
i would say to jump right in, still always in the middle, but a significant middle, would start with our homeschool journey. it was the first time that i let myself feel that fear of the unknown, something bigger than myself, think outside of my box and the boxes around me, and really put that trust in god and prayer to fill in my gaps with grace. our oldest was just about to sign up for pre-k, i'd been counting down, and we got into a conversation about homeschool one night with another couple. we walked away saying- that is so great for you! not my thing, but great for you. it was just a couple nights later laying in bed that jeremy asked if i'd thought more about that conversation when i cut him off saying i don't want to talk about it! the thought of homeschooling- it was so far out of my box that it scared me. what would others think? what if i couldn't do it? what if i wasn't enough?? but through deep soulful prayer- i jumped in and went for it. we learned, we grew, we shifted teaching styles over the years, we faced what i'm sure were unintentional hurtful judgemental comments, and i learned to lean on god, to pray and trust my gut.
then i remember the first time someone told me to try an oil blend vs traditional store bought medicine for allergies for lissa loo. i probably looked at them like they had 3 heads! this was out of my box again and i couldn't understand another option for allergies than store bought medicine. so again, i jumped into reading and studying and trying to understand another opinion. as i read, i realized that oils were beneficial for many things, not completely as a medicine replacement, but as god's natural remedy for many things. this was met by some again with judgement and not understanding and that i was buying into a placebo effect but as we grow, we grow into that confidence of trusting our gut, our intuition, our answers.
i still remember the day i picked jeremy up from the airport after his grandmother's funeral. it was september of 2013, i had stayed home with our 3 littles, he flew home for the funeral and to be with his family, and as i picked him up, he jumped into the car ready to jump into conversation. here i am, tired, drained, unknowingly struggling with postpartum depression and just trying to keep it all together. he jumped into conversations that he had had with his brother, a book he'd started reading, questions he was thinking about and i broke. i broke down crying, feeling like everything was crumbling around me yet again and as silly as it sounds- my question was- are you still going to watch conference with me?? in that moment, we both knew that we needed to communicate, we needed to talk, but give grace and space for our journey's. jeremy began reading, studying, listening to talks and podcasts and i just tried to keep myself together and going.
i remember waking up one day, when lissa was about 18 months, maybe close to 2, and feeling like a cloud had dispersed, i could see the sun again, that unknown weight of postpartum depression had lifted and it felt so good to feel like me again. life was still crazy with 3 littles, our irish twins and homeschooling madilyn, holding a presidency calling in church and doing all the things but i loved it. i felt like i was rocking life again.
during this time, jeremy was still studying and reading and i didn't want any part of it. i remember falling asleep to him listening to talks and agreeing with parts of them but that was it. as he would study, he would ask me questions, ask me my thoughts. he would get me thinking and pondering and pushing the edges of my box just a little but then gave me space. let me think and ponder on my own. in 2014, we were pregnant with ben and while homeschooling our other 3, being primary president, i was put on strict bedrest from about november on. his pregnancy, it pushed my physical limits more than i've ever been pushed before. i cried daily, i pleaded with god to help me see the joy in this pregnancy as i knew it would be my last. he came at 36 weeks and spent 8 days in the nicu before coming home and i knew in that moment that we were complete. that this family of ours- it was my world and i would do anything to love them, to teach them, to help them grow up to god.
a few months later as i was starting to handle life again, i picked up the book second comforter. jeremy had said i'd really like it more than a year before and i had just left it gathering dust next to my bed. without talking to him, i picked it up one day. i prayed and prayed about reading it. i prayed that i could find some peace, some answers to some questions i'd started noticing within church and policies and the culture and doctrine. i started reading and once i hit the 2nd chapter, i read it completely in just a matter of days. when i finished it, i remember just praying and feeling that calm deep in my soul about what i'd just read. i understood why jeremy was reading and studying and listening to talks on end. i understood why he and his brother could talk into the night on the phone about this all. i felt this hunger for truth, for god really, had been awakened deep in my soul. i started reading blog posts, listening to talks, and reading other books. jeremy and i began talking, deep conversations about gospel, scripture, god, prophets and my soul felt anchored. i prayed deeper prayers and got answers.
during this time, i was still primary president and i remember trying so hard to align what i was learning and understanding about the gospel with church. in primary, we read from the paperback scriptures each week and talked of jesus christ. i didn't do half the assigned sharing times but i loved my time with the primary kids teaching them and sharing my testimony of god's love with them. after i was released, i played the piano in relief society and gradually, jeremy would stay home with ben- he was such a yeller thanks to his apraxia, unknown to us at the time, so the nursery leaders preferred when he wasn't there. and so i'd take the other kids to church, i would sit through gospel doctrine disagreeing or wanting to share another idea many weeks but was too scared to speak up, and then sit through relief society feeling that something deeper was missing. jeremy would stay home and study and read and by about the summer of 2017- i began seeing the differences in our sunday's! i was stressed, rushed, tired and frustrated while he was calm and at peace and learning truth. then one sunday, i was driving the older 3 home from church and sweet logan looks at me and says- mom you taught me to pray wrong. wait what?? pray wrong?? he then calmly said that his primary teacher told him that he had to use the correct names and 4 steps and that his prayer- him just talking to god- was wrong. it was in that moment that i stood back, listened to my heart, and knew that it was time. i as an adult could sort through the truth and the lies, but as kids its harder to do that. and my kids are my everything so knowing the judgements i would face, i knew that we needed to do this for our kids. that was when we decided to make a change as a family.
our sundays first started out as trying to find something to replace church with. i didn't know how to do our own sunday. but i have found- there is no right way. my favorite sundays- are together. slow mornings with our coffee and scriptures. making breakfast together. maybe a walk outside. or a family game. breaking bread at the table together for dinner. talking, listening. gathered around the table, enjoying our dinner together, thats my favorite part of the week.
our lives from the outside looking in, are not mormon. i know there are judgements, doubts, questions about why we do what we do but from our hearts, this is our journey. this is our journey to know god, to be led by god. this is where god wants us to be. by owning my truth, owning my story; i pray that it helps someone. helps someone who maybe is feeling alone, someone who is writing their own story right now and is maybe in a hard chapter. i pray that we can all see god's hand in our lives over and over and thank him.
ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock and it shall be opened unto you: for everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. matthew 7:7-8
